A few months ago I posted a long rant on a forum, about the bureaucracy of visas, about being an international student from a developing country trying to survive in one of the most expensive cities in the world, about racist encounters on the street. It was a massive brain dump of pure frustration, perhaps too heavy and depressing for many people. But someone actually read it.
They sent me a private message. They were a student from another South East Asian country who navigated their own studies in the Netherlands. We ended up exchanging massive, sprawling messages about everything from the 3 Body Problem to the strange nuances of Southeast Asian cultures.
It’s strange how you can feel completely isolated in a crowded city and then be understood that well by a stranger on the internet.
We talked a lot about the guilt of leaving home. This is the part of studying abroad that the shiny university brochures never mention. You miss the milestones, you go home once a year and notice your parents look older, you look at their empty fridge and compare it to the meals you used to share. And you constantly weigh your niche academic dreams against the stability of a traditional corporate job that would let you support them properly.
My internet friend shared their own struggles with parental expectations and the realization that a conventional life wouldn’t bring them fulfillment either. It was so incredibly validating to hear!
I still have a lot of anger about how the world is structured. I hate the concept of geographical luck. I hate that the ability to dream about other planets is so heavily constrained by the passport you hold. I want to build a career in science. I want to discover things and not be bogged down by these nonsensical social constructs that are merely products of their time. Corporate jobs feel like the furthest thing from that kind of intellectual challenge.
I’m still trying to figure out how to carry the guilt. I think it’s just a permanent fixture now. But hearing someone else articulate the exact same midnight anxieties makes the weight a little easier to manage.